What Forgiveness Is . . . and Isn’t

Lewis Smedes has said, “When you forgive someone, you are dancing to the rhythm of the divine heartbeat . . . God invented forgiveness as the only way to keep His romance with the human race alive.” What Smedes is saying is that we are most like God when we offer forgiveness to those who need it. Nowhere is this truer than in the marriage relationship. Multitudes of marriages fail every year because husbands and wives are unwilling to forgive.

Today’s country music demonstrates this. For example, here are just three typical song titles: “How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?”; “I Bought The Shoes That Just Walked Out On Me”; and “She Got The Gold Mine, I Got The Shaft.” These titles explain why the songs in country music are called “Somebody done somebody wrong songs.” They describe marriages that might have been saved if forgiveness had been part of the equation.

So, what is forgiveness? To understand what forgiveness is, we must first understand what forgiveness is not:

Forgiving is not the same thing as excusing. We excuse others when we consider extenuating circumstances for their behavior. We excuse an expectant father for driving too fast if he is carrying his wife to the hospital when she is in labor. Forgiving does not mean tolerating bad behavior or pretending that what someone did was not so bad. Excusing is an end run around having a willingness to forgive. When an action is excusable, it doesn’t require forgiveness.

Forgiving is not the same thing as forgetting. All that forgetting requires is a bad memory. We forget phone numbers, where we parked our car, where we put our keys, or what someone’s name is. The Bible speaks of times when God forgets our sin, but this doesn’t mean that He has a memory retrieval problem. It means that He loves us so much that our past sins are irrelevant to His dealing with us. Forgiving is what is required when we can’t forget.

Forgiving is not the same thing as reconciling. You can forgive someone for an action without reconciling with them. A wife can forgive her husband for his physically abusive behavior, but this does not mean that she has to move back in with the brute. By forgiving his bad behavior she is able to let go of bad memories and move forward. Forgiveness can lead to reconciliation, and often does, but forgiveness and reconciliation are two separate things. Forgiveness takes place in the heart of one person; reconciliation requires the conscious and deliberate action of two persons. Forgiveness can be granted even if the offending person does not request it.

Forgiveness is required when excusing or condoning or tolerating or accepting is not big enough to do the job. The first stage of forgiveness is the decision not to try to inflict a reciprocal amount of pain on the person or persons who have caused us pain or difficulty. When you forgive someone, you give up the right to hurt them back. You suspend the law of vengeance. You voluntarily give up the right of retaliation.

Forgiveness begins the very moment you give up the quest to get even. This, of course, isn’t an easy thing to do, but for your own peace of mind it is the best thing do. Only one thing costs more than forgiving someone – not forgiving them. Fredrick Buechner in one of his books says, “Of all the deadly sins, resentment appears to be the most fun. To lick your wounds and savor the pain you will give back is in many ways a feast fit for a king. But then it turns out that what you are eating at the banquet of bitterness is your own heart. The skeleton at the feast is you. You start out by holding a grudge, but in the end the grudge holds you.”

When you refuse to forgive, your anger will become your burden. The grudge you nurse will grow both larger and stronger. Bit by bit the joy of living will disappear from your life. All that will be left of what was once a whole and happy person will be bitterness and hate. And that bitterness will spread until it dominates everything you do.

Is there anyone whom you need to forgive? If so, you have a choice to make. Will it be vengeance or mercy? Prison or freedom? Hatred or grace? Life or death? Please choose wisely! Your happiness depends on it!

When Tears Are Flowing

My wife and I were in a store in Wilmington several months ago shopping for supplies when we came upon a lady we did not know who was talking on her cell phone. It was obvious from the tone of her voice and the expression on her face that something was very wrong. Suddenly the conversation ended and she began sobbing. Tears were flowing down her cheeks. For this to happen in such a public place, it was obvious that she had heard something very difficult to handle. We went over to her, told her who we were, and asked if there was something we could do to help.

She told us that her mother, who lived in another North Carolina city, had just died. After we learned more of the details causing her emotion, we assured her that God knew her need at that very moment, and that He stood ready to provide the comfort and strength she needed. The death of a loved one is just one of many things that can be difficult for us. Suffering, tragedy, pain, and other kinds of difficulties, can also initiate heartbreak and cause our tears to flow.

Suppose I had said to the lady, “Don’t cry, for we all have to die sooner or later. Maybe it was just your mother’s time to come to the end of her journey. Try to accept it and put your mind on something else. Go out to Wrightsville Beach and walk on the beach. Listen to the splashing of the waves. It will give you a sense of peace.”

Do you think that would have helped her? Absolutely not! Her pain at the moment was normal and very real. With our arms around her, we encouraged her to go ahead and cry. God created us with tear glands. He knew there would be times when sorrow or tragedy would run over us like a runaway freight train. The ability to cry provides a safety valve, and we encouraged her to use it. Then, with people all around, we prayed with her.

Ernie Pyle, the famous war correspondent, wrote a wonderful story of the time he walked on the beaches of Normandy after that invasion. The sand was strewn with the personal effects of the boys who lay fallen in battle – snapshots, letters, books, and other things. By the side of one young soldier there was a guitar. Near another he saw a Bible half buried in the sand. He picked the Bible up and walked on down the beach. When he had gone a good distance, he turned around, went back, and laid the Bible beside the young soldier where he had found it.

He later said, “I don’t know why I picked it up, or why I put it back.” Maybe he was thinking he would send it to the boy’s parents. It would have been a comfort to them. Maybe he put it back, feeling that since the soldier had died with his Bible, it should remain beside his body. It is obvious that the young man carried his Bible with him into battle because he believed it contained the answers he needed as he faced the possibility of dying. Indeed, he did die, and when the news reached his parents back home in this country, they shed many tears just as the lady did that we met in the store.

When your heart is broken and tears fill your eyes, your first inclination may be to go to bed, to give up and surrender. But if you will turn in God’s direction and exercise faith in Him, His power will flow into you, and give you a power that will demand expression. And as you keep going, you will become able to handle the ache in your heart. You may remember the popular song, “Singing in the Rain.” When the rain comes into your life and everything seems dark and dreary, keep walking – don’t stop – and as you walk, begin to sing. You can’t prevent the rain from coming. But through faith in God, and with His power working within you, He will enable you to sing in the rain.

While incarcerated in a dungeon on the isle of Patmos, the apostle John saw a vision of a time in the future when “God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things will have passed away” (Revelation 21:4). It is one of God’s greatest promises, and it has brought comfort to millions of people when their tears were flowing.

The Tragedy of Lost Opportunities

One of the greatest tragedies in Christian history took place in 1271 AD. In that year Niccolo and Matteo Polo, the father and uncle of Marco Polo, visited Kubla Khan, who was considered at the time to be the ruler of the world. He had authority over all of China, all of India, and the entire East.

The Kubla Khan was attracted to the story of Christianity as Niccolo and Matteo shared it with him. He said to them, “You shall go to your high priest and tell him on my behalf to send me a hundred men skilled in your religion, and I shall be baptized. And when I am baptized all my barons and great men will be baptized, and their subjects will receive baptism, too. So, there will be more Christians here than there are in the part of the world from which you come.”

Wow! What a fantastic opportunity! At no time in Christian history had such a tremendous opportunity been presented to the followers of Jesus Christ. The tragedy lies in the fact that almost nothing was done in response to what the Kubla Khan had requested. Even after thirty years had passed only a handful of missionaries were sent – it was far too few and much too late to take advantage of a marvelous open door to share the good news of the gospel. That door on such a grand scale would never be opened again.

Can you imagine what a tremendous impact might have been made nearly eight centuries ago on that part of the world if Christians had had the vision to see the entire East won to Jesus Christ? The mind boggles at the thought of how the history of the entire world could have been changed if thirteenth-century China, India, and the other areas of the Orient had been converted to Christianity.

Lost opportunities are very often lost forever. We may regret and obsess over them, but it does not alter the fact that they are lost. The important thing is that we learn from lost opportunities. As Franklin Field wisely said, “Poor eyes limit your sight; poor vision limits your deeds.” I believe that vision is the Aladdin’s lamp of the soul. It is the capacity to create a compelling picture of the desired state of affairs in a way that inspires people to respond. It is that which is worthy – that which could be, should be, and is attainable.

A vision without a task is a dream. A task without a vision is drudgery. A vision and a task combined is the hope of the world. If you or your church lacks vision, ask God for it. Vision is the ability to understand the history, the present condition, and the potential of a church, and to conceive a plan for action that will maximize its ministry potential.

Vision is the result of having spent much time absorbing the facts about your community, knowing the resources upon which the church can call – people, funding, facilities, equipment, etc. – and devising sound but creative strategies for moving forward. Vision always entails progress; it is never satisfied with the status quo. Too many churches today are totally satisfied with the status quo.

As we reflect on the opportunity that was lost in 1271 AD, it is important that we ask ourselves these questions: “What opportunities to share my faith in Christ with others have I missed for lack of vision? Are there persons within my current circle of influence to whom I could share what Christ means to me?” And if there are such persons: “When might I set aside a specific time to do precisely that?” If you will first talk to God about those you know who aren’t Christians, you will be better prepared to talk to them about God.

“Where there is no vision, the people perish” (Proverbs 29:18). It was true in 1271 AD. It is also true today when Christians and/or churches fail to accept and meet opportunities for lack of vision.

Location… Location… Location

The late Carl Goerch (1891-1974) was known as “Mr. North Carolina.” He excelled in several fields: as the long-term reading clerk for the North Carolina House of Representatives, as a popular broadcaster, newspaper columnist, author of several books, and a widely sought speaker. He also founded the popular magazine known today as Our State.

During his lifetime Goerch visited all fifty states and fifty-two foreign countries, but if you asked him his favorite spot on earth, he no doubt would have said, “Ocracoke.” I remember him best for his outstanding newspaper columns featuring interesting locations and specific individuals in our state. They were all well-written and contained good humor. He deliberately chose not to have his stories copyrighted, so they could be retold by others again and again.

One of his best stories dealt with an incident that took place in 1878 in Swan Quarter, the county seat of Hyde County. In that year the Methodists decided to build a new church for their congregation. After looking around town, and after much prayer, they chose a spot owned by a large land owner named Saddler. Representatives of the church went to see Mr. Saddler and politely asked if he was willing to donate a small lot on which they could build their church.

Mr. Saddler was not a religious man, and he had the reputation for being very gruff.  After listening to their request, he refused to either donate or sell any land to them on which they could build a house for worship. Believing they had chosen the best location, they tried to talk to him further. He became angry and ordered them off of his land, and told them to never come back.

Next, the committee went to see a local resident named Jackson. They asked him to donate a particular lot that he owned. Although the lot was not as desirable as the one owned by Mr. Saddler, it would be suitable. Mr. Jackson honored their request and deeded the lot over to the Methodist Church.

The congregation built a small wood-framed structure on brick pilings and scheduled a particular night to hold a dedication service. There being no weather satellites in the sky in 1878, they had no idea that later that night a powerful hurricane would hit the North Carolina coast. A tremendous amount of water was pushed out of Pamlico Sound and into the streets of Swan Quarter. After dawn the following morning the people were treated to an unusual sight.

During the night, the water had rushed under the church that had been dedicated only a few hours before, lifted it off of its pilings, and floated it about a hundred yards down the street. And, believe it or not, it came to rest on the lot Mr. Saddler had refused to either donate or sell to the congregation. In fact, it settled in the exact spot they had originally planned to build. The first person in the Register of Deeds office that Monday morning was Mr. Saddler, and he deeded the lot to the Swan Quarter Methodist Church.

I would like to know what Mr. Saddler was thinking during that dark night in Swan Quarter as the hurricane was causing devastation on the North Carolina coast. Having treated the Methodists so gruffly, and having rejected their request for a lot on which to build their church, I especially would have enjoyed seeing his face following daybreak as he went out to survey the damage and saw the church sitting on the lot he had refused to either give or sell.

In today’s world, when it comes to starting a business or industry, the first important decision that must be made is where to locate it – or, as they say, “location . . . location . . . location.” Selecting the right location is also important when a church needs to build. Rejecting what the Methodists in Swan Quarter wanted was easy for Mr. Saddler. But did the church’s new location on his land cause him to believe he had also rejected what God wanted?  If so, God’s location won!

If there are any important decisions you need to make in your life, especially with regard to your relationship with God, please don’t wait until a hurricane is swirling around you before you make them.

Hypocrisy: What an Ugly Word!

Hypocrisy is an ugly word. It is even uglier when it moves beyond being just a word to describe a person’s lifestyle. Hypocrites are pious pretenders who preach by the yard and practice by the inch. They never intend to be what they pretend to be. We see them in every area of public life – in the business world, in politics, in education, service institutions, etc. But they are especially odious and destructive when they are found in churches. Paul said, “They have a form of godliness, but deny the power thereof” (II Timothy 3:5).

Just when I think I have heard every excuse that people could possibly give for not attending church or choosing to become a Christian, I hear a new one. The most used excuse, however, is probably this: “I would attend church and become a Christian if there weren’t so many hypocrites in the church.” I usually say to those who use this excuse, “You are hiding from God behind a hypocrite. You can’t hide behind anything that is not bigger than you are. God’s Word says that on Judgment Day every person will have to give an account of his or her life – that includes the hypocrites in churches, and it also includes you!”

It goes without saying that Jesus had an intense dislike for hypocrites. He showed compassion and offered forgiveness to a woman caught in the act of adultery. He gave a Samaritan woman living water. He ate in the home of hated tax collectors. He associated with and healed lepers who were considered outcasts by others. But when He came into the presence of hypocrites He saw red. He called them “whited sepulchers which appear beautiful on the outside, but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones” (Matthew 23:27).

As a Christian minister I have tried to pay close attention to how people present themselves to others. I am absolutely convinced that telling the truth and behaving truthfully in everything we do is healthier and more beneficial in the long run than intentionally or unintentionally conveying any kind of pretense or falsehood.

A piano manufacturer once sought to get a testimonial from Will Rogers for his pianos. Rogers, who never endorsed a product unless he totally believed in it, wrote this letter to the piano firm: “Dear Sirs: I guess your pianos are the best I ever leaned against. Yours truly, Will Rogers.” I doubt the piano manufacturer used this testimonial in his advertisements. It would not have sold a single piano.

Rogers had a reputation of being an honest man. He was familiar with the definition of the word “hypocrite” – and he didn’t want to be one. He refused to say something he didn’t know by personal experience to be true. Refusing to be a phony, under any circumstances, may cost you for a little while in some ways, but the long-term consequences will be enormously positive.

There is something magnificently un-hypocritical about little children. They generally say the first thing that comes to their minds. They tell the plain, unvarnished truth as they see it – even if it is hard to handle! I suspect you have encountered situations like this one:

“How do you do, my dear?” said an elderly lady to a little girl.

“Very well, thank you,” was the quiet reply.

There was a pause and then the lady asked, “Why don’t you ask me how I am?”

“Because,” said the child calmly, “I’m not interested.” It wasn’t the answer the elderly lady either expected or wanted. Children are generally honest – even when what they say is not tactful.

If we could learn to avoid hypocrisy like it was the plague, we would save ourselves an enormous amount of trouble. This is true for two reasons:

First, our inner contentment as persons requires that we be genuine.  We will always be happier and more satisfied with ourselves when our relationships with others are genuine rather than superficial. I have counseled with many people concerning their problems, but I have never found this principle to be counterproductive in any of their relationships with others.

Second, hypocrisy always violates and devastates relationships. When those with whom we associate recognize that we are presenting ourselves in false ways – ways designed to bolster our image or achieve some desired selfish goal – they lose confidence in us.

Lost confidence produces defensiveness. This, in turn, keeps personal interactions superficial. Intimacy is needlessly blocked. And our relationships fail to forge the kind of deep bond that is necessary in order to make them meaningful, long-lasting, and fulfilling.

The best policy in life is to shun hypocrisy like the plague. If you do, your relationships will be genuine and enduring. Others will learn to trust and respect you. Oh, and one more thing: It is the only way you will ever fully become the wholesome and whole person God created you to be.

The Transforming Power of Thought

“To think or not to think” – that is not the question! “What we choose to think about” – Ah, that is the question! The thoughts, feelings, and interests which we allow to invade and occupy our minds will begin to mold our character. Indeed, we will become what we continually think about.

Marcus Aurelius wisely said, “As are thy habitual thoughts, so will be the character of thy mind, for the soul is dyed the color of its thoughts.” What he was saying is that thinking the right kind of thoughts produces healthy attitudes that lead, in turn, to constructive actions. Having the right attitude is more important than our past, our possessions, our successes or failures, or even what others think about us. Our attitude is what keeps us going or keeps us from going. When our attitude is right, no barrier is too high, no valley too low, no dream too extreme, and no challenge too great.

But it is not always easy for us to have the right attitude, is it? Think of the things that suck up our attention and energy like a sponge, all of which are inescapable: the tick of the clock, the weather, the actions and reactions of others, who won the ball game, the results of an X-Ray or physical examination, irritations that can’t be avoided, the demands of our workload, April 15^th and taxes, having too much month left over at the end of our money, etc.

When we fight against things we cannot change, we get ulcers, we have headaches, we become grouchy and hard to live with, and we could even possibly die. One study, called “Broken Heart”, researched the mortality rate of 4,500 widowers within six months after their wives had died. Compared with other men their same age, the widowers had a mortality rate forty percent higher. Not one of us can prevent those times or experiences which put us in the middle of an emotional hurricane. But there are constructive ways of dealing with those experiences. We can consciously choose to have a positive attitude.

If we develop a negative pessimism, our joy will not only run away and hide, but we will make everyone around us miserable. One lady was asked, “Did you wake up grouchy this morning?” She replied, “No, I let him sleep as long as he wanted to.” I even read of a grouchy fellow in Alabama who had a telephone installed in his home just so he could hang up on people. If you want to spoil a grouchy person’s day, give him a smile. Constantly looking on the dark side of life is to miss the joy of living.

Apostle Paul has some good advice to offer at this point: “Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things” (Philippians 4:8 NIV). There it is again – The mind! Attitude! By getting rid of those things that drag us down, we make room for joy. Circumstances happen that could easily crush us – at home, on the job, or elsewhere – and immediately we have to make a choice – an ATTITUDE choice. We can hand the circumstance over to God . . . or . . . we can play the role of martyr. Joy waits for our decision.

When we deliberately choose to exclude God from our circumstances we exclude joy from our lives. We then tend to gravitate in one of two directions, and sometimes both – “blame” or “self-pity.” When things go wrong we find it easy to blame ourselves, or someone else, or God. When we blame ourselves, we multiply our guilt, rivet ourselves to the past, and decrease our already low self-esteem. When we blame God, we cut off our source of power, doubt replaces trust, and we become bitter, cynical, and hard to live with. When we blame others, we alienate ourselves and poison our relationships

The apostle Paul was right when he encouraged the Philippian Christians to give serious thought to those values that are permanent. He knew that such thoughts would shape their attitudes in a way that would lead to actions which both glorified God and blessed others. Twenty-first century Christians need to follow Paul’s counsel equally as much as did the Philippian Christians in the first century. As a popular song some years ago expressed it, “When you emphasize the positive, you eliminate the negative.”

Keep your face turned toward the One who said, “I am the Light of the World” and you will never see the shadows (John 8:12).

Playing Second Fiddle

Leonard Bernstein, orchestra conductor, was once asked which instrument was the most difficult to play. He thought for a moment and said, “The second fiddle. I can get plenty of first violinists, but to find someone who can play the second fiddle with enthusiasm – that’s a problem. And if we have no second fiddle, we have no harmony.”

It was a very keen observation about human nature, but the truth is that all of us must play second fiddle part of the time – on the athletic field, in the home, in church, and out in the big world where we work and play. Few people have a leading role, and to say this is not to speak disparagingly of supporting roles or bit parts. In a dramatic play it takes all the actors to make the play complete. If all you saw or heard was the lead actor, the plot would be very dull indeed.

When King Saul in ancient Israel came back into Jerusalem following a huge victory, he was met by a group of young girls who were singing, “Saul has slain his thousands!” I’m sure these words were met with tremendous approval by Saul, and he probably was thinking to himself, “I’ve got to have that song written down and preserved forever.” But the stanza continued, “Saul has killed his thousands . . . BUT DAVID HAS KILLED HIS TENS OF THOUSANDS.” “That miserable shrimp!” he was probably thinking, and he proceeded to go mad with envy. He wrecked his life because his ego would not allow him to take second place to anybody. It is not easy for any of us to take second place, is it?

Several years ago when I was pastor in Warsaw, North Carolina I was asked to coach a Little League baseball team. Since I love both children and sports I gladly consented to do this. I had absolutely no difficulty with the boys on my team. Dealing with parents whose sons were not as skilled as some other boys was a different story. One father, whose son couldn’t hit a baseball with a bat if it was as big as a basketball and thrown to him underhanded, thought his son should play every inning of every game. He was not willing for his son to play second fiddle. He did not realize that every team needs players not only on the field of play but also on the bench and during practice sessions.

I am amused when I read newspaper accounts of a professional athlete, who makes millions of dollars every year playing a kid’s game, become unhappy and grouchy because another player signs a contract paying more money than he is getting. The problem is jealousy and selfishness. Such athletes claim they just want to get paid what they are worth – which would be much less than they were already making. Their ego will not allow them to come in second to anybody.

The most unpopular member in some families is the mother-in-law – not in all of them, of course. Brooks Hays, former U.S. Congressman from Arkansas, and a former President of the Southern Baptist Convention, once said, “Behind every successful man is a loving wife . . . and a surprised mother-in-law.” Mothers-in-law hear lots of things like that, but let it be said that most mothers-in-law are outstanding. After all, they were mothers before they became mothers-in-law.

Still, the oldest joke in the world was told about a mother-in-law. A primitive woman runs into her cave and cries out to her cave man husband who is asleep on a bearskin rug, “Come quickly! A saber-toothed tiger is chasing my mother!” The unimpressed husband rolls over to go back to sleep as he says, “What has the tiger ever done for me? Why should I save him from your mother?”

General Robert E. Lee knew the value of playing second fiddle. This great general never stopped being a true southern gentleman. Once, while riding on a train to Richmond, he was seated at the rear of the car. All the other seats were filled with officers and soldiers. A poorly dressed, elderly woman boarded the coach at a rural station and, finding no seat offered to her, she trudged down the aisle toward the back of the car. Immediately, Lee stood up and offered her his seat. The other men then all arose one after another and offered the general his seat, “No, gentlemen,” he replied, “if there are no seats for this lady, there can be none for me!” He knew how to play second fiddle.

The inability to play second fiddle when called for is a sign of selfishness and insecurity. Humility and the ability to give strong consideration to the needs of others are signs of self-respect. Lots of people need to learn that.